Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
