when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Four minutes until I can fart!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
