Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
