I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just invented taco cereal.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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