I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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