I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
