I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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