so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
