What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
