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Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
