My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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