y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
