Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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