woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
