No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
