it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
