i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
