Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
