He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
