Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
