the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
