My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Randomize
