make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize