what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
