we have pet lesbian snakes
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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