I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
