when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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