he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
