im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
