you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize