I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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