How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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