I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
