i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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