found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
