watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
