So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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