I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
