I love black thongs
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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