I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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