a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
