Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
