Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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