well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize