I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
