you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
