I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
All the doctor said was why
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
