Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
