My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
