I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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