I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
