My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
