He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
