i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
