you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
