It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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