If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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