I smell stomach acid.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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